to write is to solve....sometimes.

This whole March has been nothing but a pain in the ass.

There are times where I can see myself smiling ear to ear when my friend is around but then the next day I'd be curling up in bed and not wanting to see anyone. It has been hard. What makes it even harder is when I really wanna just mutter about all these things to someone then I realized that they probably wouldn't care anymore. That....just doesn't make sense.

Then I opened up my phone's notes and it all makes sense. I apparently write everything I wanted to tell them when I could not do it. Reading it back made me realize how reliving it is for me to finally tell those things to no one but my future self. Here are some (including the typos and the poor grammar) ;

20th of June 2022

I've been trynna find some nice words to say it, tapi kayaknya nggak ada deh. My plan for us is always to keep being together until Lord-knows-how-long. We've been together for a month yet I still question a lot. You actually never fail to make me complete, but I never know did I do the same for you? Cukup nggak? Kurang nggak? You rarely talk about your feelings and that makes me kinda scared that I'd lose you sooner than I thought. Hope it is not true . Love u still tho!

27th of July 2022

being able to love is something that really scares me. it is such a gambling game since we never know the ending.

to love is to feel whole. felt complete when you are together but still gotta feel complete when you are standing on your own.

to love is to give your all but still not losing yourself.

to love is to give tho you'd never get it back.

to love is such a blessing in disguise.

12 of August 2022

sebenarnya aku bisa beliin kamu kado yang lain, yang kamu mau, tapi itu semua kebutuhan orang dewasa. i like you being young and always reliving your childhood memories.

so hereby I attach, and old Nintendo DS XL in a pink colour, old and dusty, but has a bunch of fun games innit.

i really hope this gift doesn't disappoint you. i told you not expect too much right? ;)

5th of December 2022

im sorry im such a burden. thank you for loving me still.

23rd of January 2023

to all the sleepless night we spent for each other,

to all the lonely nights we spent by ditching our feelings within,

to all the days we spent by not being together.

my love, i wouldn't thought i'd meet you in this lifetime of mine. but afterall, im sure we're glad we happened. i'd say thank you for bringing the laughter i'd never imagine i'd have. the smiles i got when i hear your vehicles drive around. the butterflies i felt when you tell me that you ate a good tongseng and sate, "10000/10! ngaco banget!". i was such a burden but you made me felt whole and matter.

16th of February 2023.

im glad you called just to make sure i am home and safe.

12th of March 2023

We don't know what the future holds but thank God you crossed my path.

Since I write here today, today's note would be ;

31st of March 2023

Last week I met my sisters, my uncle and aunt (from my Dad's side). They asked a lot about me until the final question got me crying for 3 or 4 days,

"Tapi, Ga, how are you, really?"

You know how much my dad meant to me and how hurt I was to remember that my mom was being unfaithful to him while he's sick. I finally told them that one, just the same like I used to tell you. They hugged me and said sorry that they didn't ask much to me this whole time. Yet it is still not comforting.

Coming back to you and your arms while mutter about these things made my days easier back then, now I just couldn't do it anymore.

You said you'd be always all ears and hands when I need something or just someone to talk to.

But seeing you grow to be the person you are right now, I choose not to tell you.

I might not get the open arms you used to give, but seeing you achieving things, getting acknowledged by more people, working on the place you planned, loving and doing things for your closest and your loved ones heals me. I might still wish I could be with you to experience your better self as you are right now but my love..I swear I am happy to see you doing things this good for afar.

Would probably still wishing you'd cross my path again, but until then, just remember me along the way. You did great. :)